


Heart Of Glass / Tears Of Silver

by Nadja_Lee



Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Humor, BAMF Rogue (X-Men), F/M, Getting Together, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inspired by Music, Not Jean Grey Friendly, Scott is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-10-02
Updated: 2001-10-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Logan thinks about Rogue and why he had to leave.However, Rogue isn't just gonna let Logan walk out on her!
Relationships: Logan/Rogue (X-Men)
Kudos: 4





	Heart Of Glass / Tears Of Silver

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Sorcieré; for being such a wonderful friend and for just being herself. Thanks, sugah!
> 
> Last part and the last lyrics are from "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

**Heart Of Glass**

Saying goodbye is never easy. I've done it tons of times yet it still hurts. When I leave a gravesite it hurts but not as much as when I see their tearstained face and the sadness in their eyes. Gods, her eyes…those deep brown eyes…I swear had she said one more word, come just an inch closer…I would have stayed, caution be damned.

I want things to go back to being simple, to making sense but things haven't made since to me for many years now. I had accepted my fate, what I am, what I do, how I live…alone. Then she entered my life; a smile, a plea I couldn't ignore…. an Angel by heart and I know…. I'm her Devil in disguise…. she just doesn't know it yet.

She is all I can never be, all I can never have, she's goodness impersonated; she has the kindest heart and the gentlest soul I've ever seen. To see her is really to love her; those soulful brown eyes, the soft hair…the lips I can't kiss…the hands in silk gloves…just the thought of her, just her whispered name in the wind and I want to turn back, I want her in my arms yet I know I can't embrace her, I mustn't.

Before I met her I didn't believe in love anymore, I didn't believe in hope anymore. But then she arrived and changed my religion. She *is* love, she is all I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of…and I'm leaving her behind. God damn it! I'm leaving her behind.

My life has been filled with battles, filled with blood, sweat and tears. I don't want that life for her, I want her to be safe, I want her to grow old, and I want her to be able to see her children grow up and for her to be a grandmother. With me none of that would be possible.

I've lived many lives, told many lies but though my lips can lie my heart never could. I may not remember clearly what happened before my operation but that was also over 60 years ago. Since then I've been many men, many lovers…but in none of my lives did I find what I was looking for, because I didn't find her. Now that I've finally found her…I'm leaving her.

I'll do anything for her, anything at all…even leave her. She wouldn't understand, like many of my loves before her she'll look for me, long for me…and finally forget me. I'll watch over her as I promised, from a distance I'll come and I'll see how she grows and changes while I stay forever the same. I'll watch her get married and try to contain my jealousy, I'll watch her play with her children and try not to feel the longing for those kids to be mine…and the worst of all, I'll finally watch her grow old and die…and then I'll bury her.

I've loved before, many times yet never with the intensity that I do now. Then I didn't know what lay ahead, what I had to look for, now I do. Now I know the dangers, which always finds me and which will always find my loved ones as well if not I leave them. I know because I've tried to stay with a woman I loved, Charlotte was her name…and I was forced to see her die in my arms. I vowed I'll never be the cause of a woman I loved death ever again. And that vow I have kept to this day. I've tried not to fall in love; be hostile and distant…mostly it has worked but then there are those rays of light that shines through…like her and like…Anna. I met Anna in 1970 and we fell in love…and I left her. I watched her cry, I watched her curse me to a thousand Hells…and I watch her move on, love another man, have children…and die from cancer last year. I didn't think I still held so much love in my heart that it could hurt so badly when I watched her be put to rest.

Then she came…. my Angel. The one woman I know I was meant to be with. My love for her doesn't lessen my love for the others before her, nor the pain I feel over their deaths but the love I bear for her gets me through the day and survive the night.

I want what's best for her; I want her to be happy. It breaks my heart to think that she might be crying right now because I left but at least as long as she's crying, she's alive. To do as I most want, to take her with me, would only put her life at risk. I would be able to protect her for a few months but I have powerful enemies and sooner or later one of them would get to her…and I would have to bury the woman I love. Would those few months of happiness we could have together justify her death? No, never. Nothing can justify that. I'll do anything at all, kill anyone, destroy anything…I'll even beg and plea for her…and I'll leave her...all to keep her safe.

She's an Angel, my most precious jewel, perfect in everyway and that's the memory of her I'll carry in my heart and mind for all time. Were I to take her with me she'll see what I've seen, she'll see the broken bodies, graves, blood running warm down my hands as I kill another one…maybe one day I'll hear her neck break in my hands as I heard Charlotte's…and my world would crumble and fall and I'll wish to join her in death but that I'm forever denied. Eternity alone is eternity in Hell when I have to live without her by my side.

She'll always be my Angel but if I take her with me…I could easily become her Devil. I could become the death of her even as I swore to protect her…and I won't do that again; never again will my hands kill a woman I love. Ever. I'll keep the vow I made her. I'll protect her from everyone, even myself.

Summers were right; I'm a danger to all around me and I'm not to be trusted. Hell, I wouldn't trust me so why should they? I've killed too many to care, I've seen too much blood, felt too much pain to let it bother me…but her pain, her screams cut my heart in two…her pain and only hers can be mine. Her, I'll fight for and die for…even if that mean's I'm to leave her.

I stayed with her as long as I could but today I had to leave. I came up with an excuse about wanting to find my past but I could see that Summers knew something was up; probably why he gave me his motorcycle; to make sure I was far away so his students were save when all Hell broke loss. If I have to leave her any place unprotected I'll rather it is with them than anywhere else for if nothing else I know Summers and his team will protect all the students with their lives. Preferable I want to always be able to be there for her but that is impossible even for me but I shall always be there for her; watching in the shadows and maybe that's the only place in her life where I belong; in the shadows.

It is happening soon, I can feel it. I speed up on the motorcycle and hope to be way clear off any town but I know I have no control over this; they call and I come; they command and I do…I'm nothing but a weapon for them to use; I have no control over my actions but I see it all, I feel it all…their screams, their begs for mercy…. the red blood on my hands, my hands…. my whole body covered in red. Gods; I do utterly HATE that colour!

I don't know how it works, I don't know how to stop it and believe me; I've tried. All I know is that all I touch, all I hold in my arms, in my heart; I end up destroying…I can't do that to her, I refuse to put her through that. She will live, I'll see to that. She'll live a long and happy life…she will, she has to…for if not…how can I ever live with myself and the choice I made for her today?

My love, my heart, I already miss her so much. Her smile would lit up the room, the way she trusted me completely…no one has ever done that before, the way she'll lay her life in my hands without hesitation, the way she trusted me with her heart…the way her warmth would chase away some of the darkness in my soul and the coldness in my heart…whoever said that memories can be such sweet torture were right.

It is appropriate that her name means "Star Of The Sea" because she'll always be my star, my unreachable star that shines so brightly, is so full of warmth that you long to touch it yet knows that it is forbidden, the way just a few seconds in it's glow makes the whole world seem right. Yes, she is my star of the sea for without her I'm a ship without its captain, drifting aimlessly at sea, lost without its guiding light…. my star, my beloved star, how I long for her touch.

Will she understand the decision I made today? Will she forgive me? Her name also means "Sea Of Bitterness" but by God I hope that it's a name she'll not live up to. But fear and doubt are in my heart. In my haste to protect her, protect both her life and her innocence could I have destroyed her…made her into someone I wouldn't be able to recognise? A bitter woman with no warmth in her heart and no life in her eyes? Let it not be so. Just for once; let me have done the right thing; let me win…just this once.

I feel control slipping and suddenly I'm driving towards an unknown destination and I know; tonight I'll kill again. I just hope that as I feel one person's heart still I'll always know that hers will beat with as much warmth and love as when I first met her. For once, don't let me have corrupted what I touched.

My body keep moving though I try to stop it. I don't know why I keep fighting for control; since my operation this has happened too many times to count and always I lose the battle of wills. As I feel my claws break the skin I pray that she is safe. I drive towards a house and think of her; call her image to me. I enter the house and break into the bedroom; a man and a woman scream and try to get away. I want to close my eyes as I see my clawed hands aim at the man but I can't. He leans over the woman to protect her with his body and I know had that been my love; I would've done the same and that is why I had to leave. I'm forced to watch as my claws enter his chest as easily as a knife through butter. I look into his eyes frozen in fear and shock and I wish I could still cry for the death I've caused. I redraw my claws and he falls to the floor; his chest coloured red. I look at my hands, they're turning red; no matter how often I wash my hands I can't seem to be able to remove those red spots; they hunt me wherever I go.

My claws reappear and I fight to redraw them but can't. My hands aim at the hysterical woman. Shit, I hate being forced to kill women; women or children. Their eyes, their pleas hunt my nightmares forever. Luckily she has red hair; had she had brown hair I would have died if I could. In my mind's eye I see my darlin' before me as the woman joins the man on the floor, blood running out her mouth and her body lying in an awkward position. I try to only think of my Angel, of her smell, her laughter, her sweet accent, the feel of her gloved hands on mine, the feel of her hair, the way she felt when I held her, the trust and warmth in her eyes…. and I walk away from the house and drive off.

I feel control return to me and I have to pull over to catch my breath for a while. Damn them to Hell…them whomever they are who make me do this. Damn them! My hands are covered in blood and my shirt and pants are also stained with blood so I drive to a cheap motel and get a room to change. This life is what I'm sparing her for; this is why I left her behind. Maybe one day she'll see it's for the best…even as it's breaking my heart…even as I feel I'm dying inside.

She will never know how much I love her, how much she means to me and maybe that's for the best. It'll pain me beyond words to see her in another's embrace but better that than to visit her gravesite. No, it is better she doesn't know what I feel for her. It is better this way. It is better this way…it is safer this way.

But it isn't what I want, it isn't what I wish for, it isn't what I long and dream for…that is her, only her….

Marie…

My beloved…

Rogue…

**Tears Of Silver (Rogue)**

He's leaving?! Just like that? I watch him speed up and drive away from the school on Scott's motorcycle and want to run after him but contain myself.

Shit! This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen! I wasn't supposed to fall for Logan and he wasn't supposed to still breathe! I walk with fast steps to my room, the air of confidence and determination makes the other kids mover out of my way…that and they are afraid of me as all Hell. I reach my room and throw myself on the bed. Okay. Logan is gone. I have to think. What shall I do now?

This was supposed to be an easy job; bring him back or kill him. God damn it; I wasn't supposed to fall for the man I was sent to capture or kill! Have I totally lost my mind?! Apparently for I'm seriously considering going after him. Oh, but that's nonsense. What kind of life would we have? And if he finds out the truth…will we even have a life together? He sees me as his Angel but what will he say when he finds out…I'm his devil in disguise?

It wasn't all a lie. Not all of it. I was born in Mississippi, I do still have the thoughts of that first boy I kissed in my head and I did travel the road for 3 months. But that wasn't when I met him. I was captured, taken to a secret centre…and trained. Trained to use my mutant powers to kill. I'm perfect for them; they can send me in anywhere and all I have to do is kiss the guy and he dies. At first I refused of course. In the beginning they had all these arguments about doing my country a favour, that their project "Weapon X", was important to the national security…national security my ass. They are a sick bunch of people and proved it when they "convinced" me to kill for them with their torture techniques-which were highly inventive by the way.

I was at the centre for 5 years. 5 very long years. In the beginning I thought of escape but when I saw how impossible that was my dream for freedom was quickly killed…killed in all the blood I saw…that I spilled myself. They started to make me kill with my powers, by kissing the target. That was hard because for weeks I'll have another's life and memories in my head…but when I was send to kill by shooting people or worse by slicing their throats I wished the kisses back. At least I didn't get the blood all over me…but though there was no blood I still felt dirty.

Compassion, regret and remorse fades. You can only hold so much pain in your heart before it hardens…as mine did. You can only cry so many tears before your eyes run dry. I stopped loving; I stopped caring; I just killed. No mercy, no regret…no feelings. I was good at what I did. Maybe too good. I was given the "Logan files". Logan was the first mutant captured by "Weapon X". They experimented on him, tried to make him a super-soldier. They succeeded there but he was uncontrollable so they implanted a chip in his brain; kinda a small computer. When they want him to kill they'll simply activate the computer and he can't control his own body. However the control has a limit and can only make him do one thing; kill. It can't make him go back to the Centre. "Weapon X" has tried to find him for the last 60 something years. They had just gotten a hot tip that he was in Canada…and that was where I came in.

They knew Logan have a weakness for women, beautiful women, so I was chosen to go. I was sent to Canada for the one purpose; to meet Logan and then either capture or kill him. To gain his trust I took on the role of Marie, as the young scared girl I had been 5 years ago.

I had him right where I wanted him. I could have killed him several times. Why didn't I? Why did I hesitate? I've never hesitated before. Was it his eyes? That we had gone through some of the same terrors at the Centre though he didn't know that? Did I see something in him that fascinates me? Did I find the pure soul in him that I had lost myself?

I'm still not sure why I played this game for so long. I was longing for something I guess. I wonder; did I find it? Logan loves Marie; I'm sure of that but will he also love Rogue? I'm no Angel, I'm no saint…will he love me all the same? Why do I want him to? Why do I care?

Because I love him of course! He did what I thought impossible. He made me dream again, he unfroze my heart, and he breathed life into my dead soul. But the greatest gift he brought me; was the ability to cry; all those tears of silver I had frozen up inside of me. Through the few weeks we've had together he saved my life several times and done more for me in that short time than any man have ever done for me in my entire lifetime.

So, that's settled. I love him. Then I can't kill him. I can't bring him back to the Centre either; they'll kill him, torture him or implant a chip into his head; one he can't get loose from. I can't have my man being 10 feet under, a punching bag or a zombie…I'm going after him. The Centre can go to Hell for all I care. They'll come for me, for us both and so what? I don't care. I want him and I will have him. I have no chip in my head; they have no control over my body while I'm on the outside. But Logan has a chip…they'll try and make him kill me as they did that other girl of his…but there's a difference; I know how they think, how they act and I can take care of myself. I can just knock him out or tie him to the bed until the chip's influence wears off. How hard can it be?

I go through my bag with clothes; not much in it. Kitty gave me some clothes but they aren't my style. Where are my damn clothes? I search the bag. Oh, there. I pull out my black leather pants, the black blouse, black leather gloves, the metal armband and collar and the black nail polish and lipstick. Yes, this is I. Not all these cutie stuff. That's Marie. Rogue…I find my long black boots to match; this is Rogue. I believe in clothes matching the person underneath and I'm what these clothes say I am; I'm dark, I'm dangerous, I'm lost…and I have issues enough to fill a spaceship. I quickly change clothes, put my diskman in my pocket and walk downstairs.

Damn, I need some wheels. I almost forgot that. I swear when I find Logan he'll pay for making me chase him…a week of him and me locked in the bedroom should do the trick. Logan, bed…naked Logan and bed…sheets…candlelight…. okay, girlfriend, time out. Breathe in and out; that's it. I need wheels to get to him first. I check my watch; it's almost midnight. So that's why I didn't run into any teachers or kids; they're all asleep like good little heroes. Well, that should make things easier for me. I just steal a car key; preferable to a bike and I'm out of this Saint house.

I walk to the kitchen but stops as I see someone sitting in the dark. I automatically reach for my gun until I remember I wasn't allowed to bring it on this mission. Instead I take up my knife I have hidden in my boot. If it's that annoying Dr. Grey I swear I'll kill her just for the Hell of it. She annoys the shit out of me. Well, most people do but she do it more than most. I tiptoe into the kitchen, trying to sneak up on the person who has his back turned to me.

"Why are you up, Marie?" Scott's voice asks, his back still turned at me. I stop my way towards him in shock and put my knife back in my boot. Damn, he's good. I underestimated him; a critical error that could have cost me my life.

"Couldn't sleep," I lie. Great; stopped by the boy scout himself. So, what now? I could knock him out and search for the keys or I could ask him. He did help save my life at the Statue and all; I gather I owe him to at least ask.

"Me neither," Scott says and turns towards me. He raises an eyebrow as he sees my very changed look. My eyes clearly dare him to comment on it. "Trying out a new look?"

"More going back to an old one," I answer truthfully enough. Logan I can figure out, Ororo also, even Jean I can get though she's a bitch but this man…I'll never figure him out. I expected him to at least show just a little shock and displeasure.

"You didn't come down here for the scenery," Scott says and drinks from the cup of coffee in front of him.

"No, I didn't. I want the keys to a motorcycle."

He didn't beat around the bush so neither do I.

"Logan got mine, we have no others."

"Damn," I swear and cross my arms over my chest, trying to think. Scott smiles at me.

"You're going after Logan, aren't you?"

I can't hear on his tone what he feels about that and his eyes are as covered as always.

"Yes, I am. Why? You have a problem with that?"

"No. You seem more than able to take care of yourself…Rogue," he nods towards my boot with the knife in it and the fact that he uses Rogue to me don't go unnoticed by either of us. He empties his coffee cup and stands up.

" Come with me," he more orders than asks when he passes me and though my first instinct is to say he can go fuck himself I follow him. He takes me to his office and turns on the lights in the room. He goes to his drawers and takes out a gun.

"Does the Professor know you have that?" I ask, a catlike smile on my face.

"No, and now he'll never know," he checks the weapon for bullets and give it to me. I take it and checks the bullets myself before I put it in my waistband behind my back. I seriously doubt he'll have given me that weapon if he knew just how capable I am with it. Just how many I've already killed. Too many to count.

"I'm not gonna hurt him…even if the worst happens; I'll not kill him," I say as he walks back to the kitchen and I follows him. He nods.

" The gun was for protection; yours and his."

He opens a drawer in the kitchen and there are all the car keys. He takes out a key and throws it to me. I catch it.

"It's for my Harley," he says. So, he lied before; he has more bikes. I must have looked very surprised for he actually laughs at me.

"Bikes interest me and what the Hell? Logan already has my modified bike; you can just as well match."

I laugh as he expects of me and he walks me to the garage where he takes the bike out for me. It is a real beauty. I wonder why he would want to give it to me for he must know; I have no intention of returning it to him.

"I don't expect you to bring her back; just be good to her and…live a long life," Scott says softly as I get on the bike almost as if he has heard my thoughts.

"Thanks," I say softly and find I really mean it for the first time in 5 years.

He hands me the helmet but I just take it and throw it back into the garage. I like the wind in my hair; makes me feel free.

"Be safe," he says as I turn on the engine.

"You too," and again; I actually mean it. I reach over and shake his hand with my gloved one. As I slowly drive towards the front gate and he walks besides me I remember something I want to tell him.

"Oh, and Scott?"

"Yeah?"

"Do me a favour?"

"What?" there's slight amusement in his voice.

"Get rid of that cold ice queen you call girlfriend and find someone new. Like 'Ro. She has a good eye for you," I grin at his sheepish expression.

"She really likes me?"

"Would this face lie?" I try to give him an honest face but with black lipstick and black clothes that's a bit hard.

"Yes," he laughs and I smile. He isn't so stupid after all. I hope he takes my advise and gets rid of the 'good' doctor before he gets frostbite from having to hold her at night; if she even lets him get that close which I doubt.

"Bye," I speed up and I'm out the gates. As I turn my head I can see Scott waving at me before he turns to go back into the mansion.

Now, I need to find Logan but he shouldn't be too hard to find. He only has a few hours head start. I'll find him, I'll find him. I always get my man and this one I sure as Hell have no intention of letting go. After I've stopped for a short rest I put my diskman on and turn up the volume as I drive off to find the man who has stolen my heart and taught me how to feel again, taught me how to cry again…

**I hate the world today  
You're so good to me  
I know but I can't change  
Tried to tell you  
But you look at me like maybe  
I'm an angel underneath  
Innocent and sweet  
Yesterday I cried  
Must have been relieved to see  
The softer side  
I can understand how you'd be so confused  
I don't envy you  
I'm a little bit of everything  
All rolled into one**

**I'm a bitch, I'm a lover  
I'm a child, I'm a mother  
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint  
I do not feel ashamed  
I'm your hell, I'm your dream  
I'm nothing in between  
You know you wouldn't want it any other way**

**So take me as I am  
This may mean  
You'll have to be a stronger man  
Rest assured that  
When I start to make you nervous  
And I'm going to extremes  
Tomorrow I will change  
And today won't mean a thing**

**Just when you think, you got me figured out  
The season's already changing  
I think it's cool, you do what you do  
And don't try to save me**

**I'm a bitch, I'm a tease  
I'm a goddess on my knees  
When you hurt, when you suffer  
I'm your angel undercover  
I've been numb, I'm revived  
Can't say I'm not alive  
You know I wouldn't want it any other way**

The End


End file.
